When Lamar and I were dating, he said I had up a wall. And if you talk to him about it, he will proudly boast about “breaking down my wall.” Most of the time, I jokingly deny it. But Lamar speaks the truth….there was a wall…hell..it was a fortress.
I had up a wall because of my past hurts, past disappointments, past relationship failures, and past bad choices. I put up this wall to protect me, but what I failed to realize is that it also prevented me….from moving on, from letting go, from allowing Lamar to love me fully, and from loving Lamar freely.
Thank God, Lamar felt that our relationship was special enough to stick around and to help me break down that wall, brick by brick. Because it did not come easy, trusting someone with your heart after it has been broken is no easy feat. But Lamar jumped through some hoops and put up with some stuff. And now, I have to tell you that it feels soooo good to let go, to let someone in, and to be loved.
1) Talk About Being Happy
It sounds corny..but so what. We check in with each other from time to time to see how the other person feels in the marriage and about the marriage. This allows us to then discuss how to address any concerns that we may have.
2) Talk About What’s Bothering You
When something’s bothering you (even when that something is your spouse), you should be able to tell your spouse. Don’t let unresolved issues turn into resentment in your marriage. I have heard that great communication has 2 components: 1. effectively communicating (i.e using the right tone, picking the right time, and making sure your point is understood) and 2. listening (i.e – repeat what you hear, dig deeper and ask questions, let your spouse know that you understand.) But I always say there is a 3rd component, caring. If your spouse is telling you something over and over, then it must matter to them….so the question is..does it matter to you…are you going to work with your spouse towards a solution. Please check out this important reminder from Tiya Cunningham-Sumter about Extending Grace to Your Spouse.
Make sure to read remaining eight discussion starters at here.
Make sure to read: Jada Pinkett Smith: Who Will Love Our Daughters?
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