Not long ago I received a call from a dear friend and I could here the plea of desperately needing someone to hold on to. I could hear the pain in her voice and for as long as I’d known her, she’d always been somewhat guarded and reserved, so to hear such resolution really concerned me. We’d worked together for several years so I’ve had the pleasure of spending time with she and her dear husband from time to time and as a young, gorgeous couple, genuinely enjoying the time they spent together; I was sure with a little hard work they could get through anything.
I was on my way to church the evening I got the phone call. I could hear the anguish in her voice and I knew I couldn’t ignore it so I turned around, dropped my son back off at home, and met her at our favorite coffee shop.
She told me her husband had revealed to her that he no longer loved her; that he wanted out of the marriage. She and I aren’t the best of friends, but over the years we’ve spent quite a bit of time together; enough for me to recognize he was lying immediately. I’d witnessed first hand how much this man adored his wife; how he adorned her with gifts and the way he smiled at her when she wasn’t looking; even the endearing things he said about her, not only in my presence but others, and it was genuine. While we know there’s no such thing as the perfect marriage, I thought this couple had the determination it takes to make a marriage work. And sadly, they’re going through a process of separation with every intention of filing for divorce soon.
Now for a little history… They started dating in college and later married. My friend was saved, had a relationship with the Lord, however, he did not. In fact, while he professed belief, he shunned the church. In addition, he was extremely jealous and brought past issues into the relationship, because apparently his ex-girlfriend cheated and he expected her to do the same. Counseling ensued before the wedding and life began to happen. She had some medical issues, so sex wasn’t happening as often as a young twenty something male would have liked, but they sought help and it was corrected. Slowly, but methodically, my friend’s husband began introducing things into their sex life that she felt would further distance her relationship with God. First it was magazines, then premium channel “soft” porn, but being married, she agreed to watch it. Obviously, what followed suit was acting out what was being seen; following that was the internet porn and buying toys on the internet; then, little did she know, sexual requests that normal men don’t typically make of their wives, straight men anyway; and finally, the straw that broke the camel’s back, a threesome with male or female.
Suddenly I was no longer surprised that during her pregnancy he had no desire for her. Originally I found that hard to believe considering in times past he couldn’t keep his hands off of her, but it all started coming together. After constantly thinking of, and imagining near perfect bodies go at it in every position and direction… How could a pregnant woman possibly be found attractive?
If it seems as though all fingers are pointing towards him; they are not. My friend certainly played her role, in the breakdown of the marriage, but the purpose of the story and the time line is not to blame either of them, but to give a would-be guide for those who may be facing similar situations; in hopes that you wont’ have to face foreclosure or a dwindling bank account before facing your own reality.
Although it’s not over, it is taking some very wise counsel, both spiritual and professional to help her get through this. And my advice to those who may be reading this is to seek the same.
People don’t get addicted to sex or porn, gambling or even drugs overnight…it’s a process, whether short or long, and all it takes is one seed to take root, so let’s be careful to watch what we’re allowing to take root in our lives. Let’s take inventory of what we’re listening too; who and what we’re entertaining; and the things we’re giving our attention too.
My heart aches for this couple I’ve grown to care for so deeply; both have been there for me in my time of need and he’s a beautiful person that needs much healing, but I believe with God’s help all things are possible and that this too shall pass and he will overcome it.
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