Kiss your loved ones one last time then say goodbye because according to some brilliant researcher, who most-likely misinterpreted the Mayan calendar, the end of the world is tomorrow! And this has nothing to do with last year’s end of the world. This is a whole new one.
Pack your emergency to-go bag with the essentials: your iPhone charger (even though there probably won’t be any electricity); matches (to build the bonfire with no food to cook) and most definitely DVR “Love & Hip Hop” for when you get back from your trip to the other side of the world (like anyone is going to be there either) cause this is going to be a tough one!
But thankfully (praise Based God), actor John Cusack prepared us for such a cataclysmic event.
I know there won’t be wifi, once the “calendar” flips past December, but make a mental note of these five tips…I’m sure they will either help you in your journey against flesh-eating zombies (oops wrong apocalypse) or provide entertainment for when you need it most.
Here we go:
Rent a limo (get insurance)!
Tomorrow when the tectonic plates, that rest like a sensitive sleeping baby waiting to be wakened at any minute, start to collide and the ground crumbles into trillions of pieces beneath us. I want to be in a limo! Right on top of that shifting concrete. Why? Because John Cusack did it. That’s why! And if I see a falling building, that would normally collapse faster than I could dial Siri, freak that, I’m driving straight through that ish!
Learn how to fly a plane!
It’s time to put your countless hours of Xbox flight simulation skills to work! I know what you’re thinking, where the h*ll are you getting a plane? Haha. We’ve got you covered. Head down to Fulton St. in Brooklyn, NY, cop a pair of Jordans before their release date, then follow the street vendor to his stash of private jets. Bring cash, they don’t play with American Express!
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Have an Asian friend
There may not have been Asian’s in the Bible, but leave it up to America to use them for their industrial glory to build an Arc to save the rest of the world and not invite them aboard ship. As we’ve learned from John (Cusack), Asian people won’t leave you behind in a crisis! They have a heart even when Americans don’t!
Bring plenty of money…like a billions dollars (Joseline Hernandez voice)
OK, it sounds like a lot of money but when your down in Brooklyn, picking up your plane, trade in your Rolex, flash a Pacquiao sleeping meme then rub your belly and Trinidad James will appear. Snatch his gold necklaces and head straight to the pawn shop. You’ll probably be short $999,999,089 but it’s downtown you can haggle them down! No biggie.
Bring a monkey wrench
In the final scenes of “2012″ the last arc, holding all of the important people, couldn’t be started because there was something causing the gear, which controlled the main door onto the ship, to stall. Hmm. Good thing you brought a handy-dandy wrench. Now all you have to do is waddle your way into the crevices of moving steel that probably weights more pounds than are measurable, fiddle with the jack hammer that is causing the problem, not get crushed after you’ve fixed the problem and save the day.
Didn’t even break a sweat! Tweet me and let me know if this was helpful!