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The purpose of having boundaries is to protect and take care of ourselves.  We need to be able to tell other people when they are acting in ways that are not acceptable to us.  A first step is starting to know that we have a right to protect and defend ourselves.  That we have not only the right, but the duty to take responsibility for how we allow others to treat us.

It is important to state our feelings out loud, and to precede the feeling with “I feel.”  (When we say “I am angry, I’m hurt, etc.” we are stating that the feeling is who we are.  Emotions do not define us, they are a form of internal communication that help us to understand ourselves.  They are a vital part of our being – as a component of the whole.)  This is owning the feeling.  It is important to do for ourselves.  By stating the feeling out loud we are affirming that we have a right to feelings.  We are affirming it to ourselves – and taking responsibility for owning ourselves and our reality.  Rather the other person can hear us and understand is not as important as hearing ourselves and understanding that we have a right to our feelings.  It is vitally important to own our own voice.  To own our right to speak up for ourselves.

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated way of manipulation – although some people will say they are setting boundaries, when in fact they are attempting to manipulate.  The difference between setting a boundary in a healthy way and manipulating is:  when we set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has no boundaries, with someone who cannot communicate directly, and honestly.  Learning how to set boundaries is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to ourselves.  It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves – to protect ourselves when it is necessary.  It is impossible to learn to be Loving to ourselves without owning our self – and owning our rights and responsibilities as co-creators of our lives.

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