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I dabble in stand up comedy here and there.  I’m having fun.  I love to make folks laugh and I don’t mind a good laugh at my own expense either.  I’ve been attending church pretty much my entire life.  But there are few things I wish the Black Church would stop doing.  I’ve compiled a top five list for your reading enjoyment.  Like to hear, here it go…

Number 5

I wish the Black Church would stop allowing Sister Such and Such to give a twenty minute testimony about her new Mercedes C class and how good the Lawd has been to her.  How the Lawd fully loaded her new car and even filled it with those little tree shaped smell good things to hang from the review mirror.  We’re all happy for Sister Such and Such but there’s no need to give a twenty minute testimony in word and song of how her soul looks back and wonders how she got over.

Number 4

I wish the Black Church would stop taking up ten offerings in one service.  I spend more money in church than I do the grocery store!  And please stop making me feel guilty for only giving into the regular tithes and offerings and not the building fund, the auxiliary board, (What’s an auxiliary board anyway?) the nurses unit, the pastor’s anniversary board, the chicken dinners for sale board, the new chairs in the pulpit board…Lawd I can go on and on with this one…Chile Please!

Number 3

I wish the Black Church would stop spending three hours to tell me that Jesus died for my sins.  I love the Lord.  He definitely heard my cry.  But good googly moogly already!  Does it really take three hours to remind the church just how jacked up we all are and how badly we need the Lord?  I’ve missed so many great football games because church went on for three and four hours.  I’m just sayin’.

Number 2

I wish the Black Church would stop allowing politicians who only show up during election season to make promises they don’t intend to keep to stand at the pulpit and say how much they live this church.  Come on!  We know you’re gonna ease on down the road to the next church and tell them they’re the best too.  Cut it out already.  I always shake my head when the politicians don’t even have the decency to stay the entire service.  They stay long enough to beg for our votes and then they bounce.  Escorted out by the people from the church with the walkie talkies and stern looks on their faces all of the time.

Number 1

I wish the Black Church would stop making me turn to my neighbor and tell my neighbor half the sermon.  For crying out loud already!  First it’s ‘turn to your neighbor and tell your neighbor how good they look this morning.’  I’m sitting there like but what if it ain’t true?  I have to admit this is truly one of my least favorite things about the Black Church.  I’ve been to white churches and they just don’t do this.  I love black folks.  Truly I do.  I love how we add a little flavor to just about everything.  But I’m not in the mood to talk to my neighbor every few minutes.  I want the word.   Maybe if we cut down on all the turn to your neighbors and give them a good shabach or a high five , we can get out of church at a decent hour and I don’t have to miss my football games.  CHILE PLEASE!

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