Casting call, ladies! I am looking for that special Mrs. Starr.
We can deal with the looks and other qualities later. But there are two key personality traits that the woman must have: She must be sophisticated — and ratchet.
Yep, I said it. The next Mrs. Starr has to be a sophisti-rachet sista! (I know it seems peculiar, but please, don’t judge me.)
For those who do not know what sophisti-ratchet means, let me break it down for you:
So·phis·tə·ra·chet (noun,adjective) Audio:Sophisti-ratchet sə-ˈfis-tə-ˈra-chət
Definition of sophistirachet (woman)
1: a woman of highly educated pedigree (academically, socially, and otherwise) and worldly breeding; fluent in various forms of public etiquette yet is equally knowledgeable of the latest strip club songs, updated on most prime-time ratchet cable programs and conversant in the tongue of hoochie mama.
2: a high-class individual who is open to incorporating low-brow tendencies in to her persona for momentary enjoyment.
3: an otherwise brilliant woman but, for some reason, is a Blackberry owner who, at times, is puzzled by touch screen mobile technology.
5: she is multilingual, speaking several UN-recognized languages; she is an expert in a tongue that will never be heard at a General Assembly: rachatese.
[ Editor’s Note: Hood rats need not apply. Though reformed ones are more than welcome to submit a profile! Please check the box that reads “reformed hood rat.” It is under the question that asks, “Have you ever been convicted of a felony?” Neither automatically disqualifies you from consideration.]
And why do I want a sophisti-rachet sista, you might ask? Well, because the mix of ratchet and sophistication is, oddly enough, a turn-on for me.
Indeed, the sight of a woman who can fluently express her views on the fiscal cliff at cocktail parties and recite the Ying Yang Twins’ “Whisper Song” under her breath as she thumbs through the pages of Langston Hughes’ “I Wonder As I Wander” rings wedding bells all throughout my mind.
She’s the kind of woman who can waltz at a charity ball, but when Juicy J’s “Bands A Make Her Dance” begins blaring from the sound system, she’ll at least keep her shoes on to preserve her dignity.
When workplace conflicts arise, she’ll be smart enough not to jeopardize her job security over some bull-ish. Though if the colleague with whom she has a grievance insists on acting a tad bit too cray, she’ll, in her own coded language, threaten to “put them paws on ‘em.”
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My sophisti-ratchet wifey-to-be has a Bachelor of Arts in African-American Studies, a Master of Science in Psychology, and a PhD in Anthropology with a focus on all things ratchet.
I prefer locks or whatever the woman’s natural do is as opposed to the synthetic alternative, but being half-ratchet, my prototype will probably have a head full of someone else’s hair with a few tracks noticeably out of place.